Where the kids will live

This is information, not legal advice

This explains how child arrangements generally work in England & Wales. It can’t tell you what to do in your situation, and processes change. Use the official links at the bottom and get advice from a solicitor or regulated service for your own case.

When parents separate, the big question is usually: where will the children live, and when will they spend time with each parent? In England & Wales there’s no automatic “default” that favours mums or splits time 50/50. The law starts from one thing only: what’s best for the child, and it assumes, unless there’s a good reason otherwise, that a child benefits from a relationship with both parents.

The order things usually happen

Court is the last resort, not the first. The usual path is:

1. Try to agree it directly. Most arrangements never go near a court. A written parenting plan (who the children are with, when, how handovers work, holidays, how you’ll communicate) is often all that’s needed.
2. Family mediation (a MIAM). If you can’t agree, a trained mediator helps you work it out. You normally have to attend a MIAM (an introductory mediation meeting) before you’re even allowed to apply to court. There are exemptions, for example where there’s been domestic abuse.
3. Court, if you genuinely can’t resolve it. You apply using a C100 form for a child arrangements order. CAFCASS (the children and family court advisory service) will usually be involved and will report to the court on what’s best for the child.

What the court actually weighs

A judge decides on the child’s welfare, using a checklist that includes things like the child’s needs and feelings, any risk of harm, and each parent’s ability to meet the child’s needs. Two things surprise a lot of dads:

• The court would rather not make an order at all if parents can agree: agreement is treated as the better outcome for the child.
• The court reads how you behave as evidence about your parenting. This is the part that matters most.

The approach that works (and the one that backfires)

It’s natural to feel like you’re in a fight, for your kids, against an unfair situation. But treating it as a war is the single most common way dads weaken their own position. CAFCASS and judges read hostility, point-scoring and “winning” language as a welfare concern.

What actually helps:

• Stay child-focused in everything you put in writing. Assume a judge will one day read your messages. Calm, brief, practical.
• Keep contact going where it’s safe to. Don’t stop seeing your kids, or stop the other parent seeing them, out of anger: it rarely looks the way you hope it will.
• Be the one offering reasonable solutions. Proposing mediation and sensible compromises is remembered. So is refusing to.
• Keep a simple record of arrangements and what was agreed: factual, not a dossier of grievances.

Example: a first message proposing arrangements

You can adapt something like this. Short, warm, child-first, no blame:

Hi [name]. I’d like us to sort out a steady routine for [child] so they know what to expect. Could we try [e.g. every other weekend Friday–Sunday, plus a midweek tea]? Happy to be flexible and to talk it through, and mediation’s an option too if it helps us agree. Whatever we land on, I want [child] to feel settled.

Where to get real help

• GOV.UK: making child arrangements if you divorce or separate, and applying for a child arrangements order.
• Family Mediation Council: find a registered mediator and book a MIAM.
• CAFCASS: what to expect if your case goes to court, plus a free parenting-plan template.
• Citizens Advice: free, independent help understanding your options.
• Families Need Fathers: support and a community specifically for separated parents, including dads.

Last reviewed: 9 June 2026. Check the official links above for the current process, forms and fees before you rely on anything here.