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Still Their Dad

Talking it through with the other parent

Most child arrangements are won or lost in the messages, not in a courtroom. The way you write to the other parent is the single thing you control completely, and it shapes everything else: whether you reach agreement, how the children experience the split, and how you look if it ever does reach a judge. Assume every message you send could one day be read out in court, because it might be.

The good news from real experience: things get dramatically better the moment you stop writing like a solicitor and start writing like a parent.

The one shift that changes everything

Section titled “The one shift that changes everything”

Compare these two ways of asking for the same thing, a short trip away with your child.

I write further to advice received this morning to formally notify you that the child shall be in my care from Saturday until return to nursery. I trust you will not unreasonably withhold consent. Please confirm by 5pm today, failing which I shall proceed on the basis that this is agreed.

I’d like to take [child] away for a few days over half-term. It’s just a short break, nothing far. I’ll confirm the exact return date and share where we’re staying and a contact number once it’s booked. Are you happy in principle? Glad to talk it through if anything’s a worry.

Same request. The first one declares war over a long weekend. The second one gets a yes. Dressing up an ordinary parenting question as a legal notice puts the other parent on the defensive every single time, and it makes you look like the difficult one on paper.

What makes things worse

Section titled “What makes things worse”

These are real habits that blew up threads, taken from actual messages (anonymised). They are easy to fall into when you’re angry or scared, which is exactly why they’re worth recognising.

  • Legalese on an everyday ask. A simple “can I take him away for a couple of days?” went out as “I write further to advice received this morning to formally notify you of the following”, complete with “for the avoidance of doubt, [child] shall always remain within the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.” It turns a normal parenting question into a legal threat.
  • Deadlines and deemed consent. “In the absence of any response by 5pm today, I shall proceed on the basis that the proposed arrangements are agreed. I trust you will not unreasonably withhold your consent.” A same-day ultimatum on a routine request all but guarantees a defensive reply.
  • Court as a club. Over a single missed overnight: “Please provide your solicitor’s details no later than 10am Tuesday so this can be handled through the courts.” This is the kind of message that torches months of goodwill in one go.
  • Dodging a fair question. Asked simply where and why, the reply was “I cannot provide any further details until you confirm that you aren’t obstructing” and “I don’t recall you providing me with your itinerary for every time [child] is with you.” It reads as cagey and hands the other parent the moral high ground.
  • Point-scoring. “Asking you was simply a courtesy.” Her reply named exactly why it fails: “that comes across like you’re going to take him regardless of what I say.”
  • Hard lines mid-discussion. “I won’t be agreeing to make up nights until it moves to a proper 50/50 arrangement” and “I do not regard the weekend structure as negotiable in principle.” Both land as demands, and both had to be walked back later.

What actually works

Section titled “What actually works”

The same person, later in the same conversation, once the register changed. These are the real messages that turned it around.

  • Drop the legalese and just be straight. “That’s a fair point, and I’ll be straight with you.” That one line reset a thread that had been stuck for days, and the reply warmed up immediately.
  • Answer the actual question. “To answer your earlier question directly, I’m taking a short break away and would like [child] to come with me. That’s all there is to it. I should have said so sooner.”
  • Apologise cleanly, no hedging. “I’m genuinely sorry I missed that. Going forward, please do chase me if you don’t hear back on something time-sensitive.” And on a tone slip: “‘Not negotiable in principle’ was too strong. This is a discussion, and I should have framed it that way.”
  • Make it a mutual standard. “I’m happy to share the general destination, a contact number and the return date, on the basis that you do the same.” Easy to say yes to, because it’s fair both ways.
  • Concede the small point to protect the big one. Instead of the court threat: “Fair enough, you’re right that [the baby] should get the same treatment. Let’s find a date for a make-up overnight. Happy for you to suggest one, or I can.”
  • Lead with the yes. Asked if the child could call before bed, the reply that worked opened with “Of course, happy for him to call,” then gave the detail. The earlier draft buried the answer under context and never actually said yes.
  • Give time instead of taking it. “Of course, take the time you need. Hope the event with [child] goes well tomorrow.”

Before and after

Section titled “Before and after”

Real pairs from the same conversation. In most of these the “after” is not a polished invention, it’s what was actually sent once the temperature dropped, and it’s what worked.

The “where and why” question

Before: There is no specific requirement or law which requires a parent wishing to take the children on holiday in the UK to tell the other parent. Also, I don’t recall you providing me with your itinerary for every time [child] is with you.

After: That’s a fair point, and I’ll be straight with you. Going forward, for any UK trip where either of us has the children for more than a day or two, I’m happy to share the general destination, a contact number and the return date, on the basis that you do the same.

The court threat over one overnight

Before: You’ve spent months arguing you should get time back, and now you’re claiming it’s not fair on [the baby]. I can no longer have you move the goalposts. Please provide your solicitor’s details by 10am Tuesday so this can be handled through the courts.

After: Fair enough, you’re right that [the baby] should get the same treatment. Let’s find a date for a make-up overnight in the next few weeks. Happy for you to suggest a date that works, or I can.

The deadline ultimatum

Before: I request written confirmation of your agreement by no later than 5pm today. In the absence of any response, I shall proceed on the basis that the arrangements are agreed.

After (when she later asked for more time): Of course, take the time you need. Hope the event with [child] goes well tomorrow.

The hard line

Before: I do not regard the weekend structure as negotiable in principle.

After: Apologies for the tone of my last email. Looking back, “not negotiable in principle” was too strong. This is a discussion, and I should have framed it that way.

Notice the pattern: every “after” is shorter, plainer and more human than the “before”, and none of them gives up anything that actually mattered. They just stop fighting.

Before you hit send

Section titled “Before you hit send”

A quick check, especially when you’re tired or angry (which is when the worst messages get written):

  1. Is this about the children, or about being right?
  2. Would I be happy for a judge to read this?
  3. Have I answered their actual question?
  4. Am I asking, or issuing a demand with a deadline?
  5. Could this wait until tomorrow? If in doubt, sleep on it.

If a message fails the check, it is almost always worth a rewrite or a night’s pause. Very few things in co-parenting are so urgent they can’t wait until morning.

When it really is stuck

Section titled “When it really is stuck”

If plain, reasonable messages still aren’t getting anywhere, the next step is mediation, not court. Frame it as helping the children, never as a tactic: “I’d much rather we agree this between us, with mediation as a backup if we get stuck.” Court is genuinely the last resort, and the parent who can show they tried everything else first is in a far stronger position.

When you do reach the consequential moments (the overall plan, holidays, writing it all down), one hour with a Resolution-accredited family solicitor is usually worth more than another redraft.

Take the wording with you

Section titled “Take the wording with you”

You don’t have to write these from scratch. The templates and wording library has ready-to-adapt versions:

Where to get real help

Section titled “Where to get real help”

Last reviewed: 9 June 2026. Check the official links above for the current process, forms and fees before you rely on anything here.