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Still Their Dad

Handovers and routines that work

For a child, the practical rhythm of two homes matters more than almost anything else you’ll argue about. Children feel safe when they know what’s coming: who’s picking them up, where they’re sleeping, when they’ll see each parent next. Get the routine steady and the handovers calm, and you’ve done a huge amount of the job already.

Handovers: keep them calm, brief and on time

Section titled “Handovers: keep them calm, brief and on time”

The handover is often the only moment your child sees both parents together. Whatever happens in those few minutes becomes part of their picture of their family. So protect it:

  • Keep it short and friendly. A quick, warm exchange. Not the moment to raise money, schedules or grievances. Save all of that for a message later.
  • Be on time, both ways. Lateness reads as not caring, and it’s the thing that most often sparks a row. If you’re going to be late, send a quick heads-up.
  • Watch your face, not just your words. Children read tension instantly. A tight jaw or an eye-roll tells them more than anything you say.
  • Use a neutral spot if things are tense. A nursery or school handover (one parent drops off, the other collects) means the child never sees you in the same place, which can be calmer for everyone.
  • Let them arrive in their own time. A child coming back from the other parent may be quiet or clingy for a bit. That’s normal. Don’t read it as a problem or quiz them about it.

Late returns and the next morning

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One real-world flashpoint: a long drive back from a trip, a late bedtime, and a row about whether the child still goes to nursery or school the next morning. Sort this in advance, not at 9pm when everyone’s tired. A sensible default is that the parent the child is with that night makes the call on the next morning, within reason. Agree it once and it stops being a fight.

Routines by age

Section titled “Routines by age”

Babies and toddlers. Very young children need consistency and shorter, more frequent contact rather than long stretches away from their main base. As they get older, time can scale up. If overnights are light now, agree review points (for example, certain birthdays) so there’s a built-in path to more time as they grow, rather than having the same argument every few months.

Preschool and primary. Predictability is everything: the same nights each week, a reliable midweek tea or call, the same drill for school mornings. Children this age cope well with two homes as long as the pattern is clear and the adults are calm.

Older children and teens. Their own lives start to matter more than the rota: friends, clubs, matches, a part-time job. Rigidly enforcing “your night” against a 14-year-old’s social life backfires. Build in flexibility, and listen to what they want, while keeping the underlying routine as the backbone.

Two homes that actually work together

Section titled “Two homes that actually work together”
  • Keep the big basics consistent across both homes: bedtimes, homework, screen limits. Children settle faster when the core rules don’t lurch between houses.
  • Let the small differences go. Different cereal, a later weekend bedtime at one house, different telly. These are not battles. Children handle two slightly different homes easily; what they can’t handle is two parents fighting about them.
  • Send a comfort item with them. A favourite toy, blanket or book that travels between homes helps a young child feel anchored.
  • Share the useful stuff, briefly. A quick note on how they slept, what they ate, or that they’re coming down with a cold. Practical, not a report card on the other parent.

Phone and video calls between homes

Section titled “Phone and video calls between homes”

A call with the other parent while the child is with you is good for the child, even when it goes sideways. For little ones, calls often fizzle out or end in tears, and that’s normal, not a reason to stop them. What works better than hanging up is a gentle wind-down: “say goodnight, see you tomorrow.” Agree a rough time, keep it low-key, and don’t relitigate every call.

Write it down

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Once you’ve found a rhythm that works, capture it in a simple parenting plan so you’re not renegotiating the same things over and over. It doesn’t have to be formal to be useful.

Where to get real help

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Last reviewed: 9 June 2026.